Merry War on Christmas

Attention, Christians. There is no war on Christmas. It does not need to be capitalized. Your idealogical puppetmasters at Fox News and the American Family Association (continue to) think that despite the fact that you're running the country, you're still all afflicted by a crippling inferiority complex. Let it go. Return to Target. They are not the AntiChrist. They're just trying to make a buck. Just because they don't want to alienate people who aren't Christians, it doesn't mean that they're intentionally trying to alienate the people who ARE Christians. I know it feels bad to be losing absolute semantic control over a time of year, but it's just not reasonable to expect everyone to pay lip service to your beliefs. Sorry. When someone says "Happy Holidays," it's entirely possible that they want you to have happy holidays. It's unlikely that they mean "Fuck you, ignorant retard, and happy Chanukah, Kwanzaa, New Years, and Gift Giving Near the Godless Naturally-Selected Coniferous Tree Day."

OK, so maybe taking all the religious information out of public schools went a little overboard. You can have it back, but you'll need to include everyone else's religion too. You'll have to choose between "no religion" and "all religions." Because they're schools, not churches. Can you handle that? Or is exposing your kids to other peoples' ideas a little too dangerous for you? 'Cause if it is, then you understand how all the Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, Agnostics, Atheists, Humanists, Scientists, and Pagans have felt about all the Christianity in American public life right up until just about now. Are you able to feel any empathy towards those people? Or is it all about you, and your right to skwunch up your face and stamp your feet and scream YEAAAAAAARRGH! My way! My way! Everything must go MY WAY! But you know what? In your homes and in your churches, everything does go your way. Why isn't that enough? Is it reasonable to expect that outside in the public square everyone else is just going to bend over and let you bone them with a Yule log? No, it is not. My six year old daughter does not expect everyone on the planet to observe her birthday, and neither did Jesus. From the way your media people are acting, you'd think Jesus' last words on the cross were "On my birthday...you must procure a tree...from Norway...and fertilize it with gifts." Do you think Jesus ever saw an evergreen tree? It's unlikely. And he wasn't all that big on the integration of Church and Store, either. Remember the moneychangers? He went all Wu Tang on their asses. Anyway, I know how much it pisses you off when people like me remind you that maybe what Jesus wanted and what Bill O'Reilly wants don't overlap all that much. So you can ignore that last bit.

So, Merry Christmas. I say that because I think you enjoy Christmas, not because it's an audio bumper sticker for what I enjoy. If you were Jewish, I might say Happy Chanukah. Again, not because I'm advocating Chanukah to the exclusion of other holidays, but because I want to offer you holiday greetings in a way you might appreciate. See, sometimes, it's not all about me.

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